Ngiyaqiniseka ukuthi ngesinye isikhathi sonke besibukele imuvi futhi kungazelelwe ubona umlingisi odumile manje endimeni encane noma ku-b-movie bese ubabaza kuwena, "Ima, BAKULE movie?!" Kukuthatha ngokumangala, bese kuthi lapho ukushaqeka kukususa, ugxumela ku-IMDB ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi obubonile bekungokoqobo… futhi uma kwenzeka, awukholwa ukuthi sebehambe ibanga elingakanani. Noma bebambi kangakanani. Noma indlela izinwele zabo zaziyisiphukuphuku ngayo. Asiqhubeke.

Ngandlela thize, kumnandi ukwembula imisebenzi yokuqala yabalingisi abadumile manje; amafilimu abanye babo bafuna ukuthi ukhohlwe. Akubona bonke abanamahloni ngemisebenzi yabo yokuqala futhi noma benamahloni kancane, babonakala benamancoko ngakho. Ngenxa nje yokuzijabulisa noma ukwenza abanye benu bacubungule amamuvi amadala ukuze bathole amazwibela alaba badlali endimeni yokuqala, ngiqhubekile ngabalula abanye. Ngemuva kwakho konke, kufanele uqale endaweni ethile, akunjalo?

UGeorge Clooney Buyela ku-Horror High
Unyaka ngaphambi kokuba adlale Ukubuya kwe-Killer Tomato, uGeorge Clooney wayebamba ifilimu yakhe yokuqala kwesinye isihloko esithi 'Buyisa'. Indima yakhe ku Buyela ku-Horror High akulutho, ukudlala umlingisi odlala unogada kumuvi… kumuvi. Bengingeke ngibize lokhu ngokusebenza kwe-breakout, kodwa naye akazange akushayele ucingo. Kule filimu, umlingiswa wakhe u-Oliver uyahamba ngemuva kokuthatha indima enkulu futhi uhlangabezana nokushona kwakhe (noma akunjalo?). Okuthile mayelana nomlingiswa kaClooney ohamba kahle ngoba ecabanga ukuthi muhle kakhulu ngoba kubonakala kumfanele.

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UJennifer Aniston phakathi Leprechaun
Lokhu akumethusi muntu, ngoba akufani nokuthi kuyimfihlo enkulu noma yini. Ifilimu yakhe yaqala ukuvela Leprechaun ngokushesha wasibekela indima yakhe njengoRachel kumabonakude Friends ngonyaka kamuva (noma kunjalo Leprechaun yaqoshwa eminyakeni emibili ngaphambi kokuthi ikhishwe), engiqinisekile ukuthi abantu basamkhumbula ngayo. Angikwazi ukukutshela ukuthi yini embi kakhulu; le filimu noma ukulingisa kwakhe kule filimu! Wakha Wakha!

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ULeonardo DiCaprio e Abagxeki 3
U-Leo akakaze abonwe njengomlingisi wengane, noma aseke wasemafilimini nasezindimeni zikamabonakude ngaphambi kokuba agqame kakhulu kumatiyetha - kanye nezinhliziyo zentombazane - no. Titanic. Okungenzeka ukuthi kuyinto enhle, njengoba sonke siyazi ukuthi abalingisi bezingane bavame ukuvela kanjani lapho sebekhulile. Nakuba ukube bekufanele ngiqagele ukuthi umsebenzi wakhe ubuzohamba kanjani, uma ngiwubheka ngokusekelwe kule filimu, bengingeke ngicabange ukuthi uzoqhubeka abe ngomunye wabalingisi abakhulu nabashube kakhulu njengamanje. Ngakho-ke, indoda ezoqhubeka nokudlala izingoma eziningi ze-Scorsese futhi icishe yebe cishe zonke izigcawu ekuzo njengoCalvin Candy. Django Unchained waqala wangena Abagxeki 3; ifilimu ekhuluma ngezilwane ezincane ze-furball ezivela emkhathini ezidla abantu. Ngempela uyindoda enamathalenta amaningi.

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Charlize Theron e Izingane Zommbila III: Ukuvuna Kwasemadolobheni
Ngaphambi kokuthi aqhubeke nokuntshontsha uhlelo kuTom Hardy njengomlingiswa wakhe u-Imperator Furiosa ku Mad Max: Fury Road, okumele siveze ukuthi umuntu akamane antshontshe ukugqama kukaTom Hardy kunoma yini, uNksz Theron waqala njengoba kwenza abadlali abaningi ngeminyaka yama-80s kanye nama-90's; kumafilimu amabi kakhulu athusayo. Kodwa-ke, uma ucwayiza ungamkhumbula, njengoba edlala indima ebalulekile, 'njengomlandeli ka-Eli', okuyinhlanhla enkulu kuyena njengoba engenawo amakhredithi. Uma kwenzeka ungakwazi ukusho, leyo ngxenye “ebalulekile, enkulu” kwakuwukubhuqa okuphelele. Futhi njengoba ngikhuluma iqiniso, ngizovuma ukuthi ngiyayithanda le movie. Kumnandi kushizi. Uyasondelana abese edlwengula futhi abulale amatende ombila wami, okuthatha i-hentai iye kwelinye izinga.

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U-Adam Scott I-Hellraiser: Izindwangu zegazi
Ngenkathi u-Adam Scott edlala umfowabo ka-Will Ferrell uDerek Step Brothers, bekungekhona okokuqala edlala i-d-bag esezingeni lomhlaba. Lokho kunconywa kuya endimeni yakhe njengoJacques ku I-Hellraiser: Igazi. Eish, ngisho nalelo gama liyaduma komunye umfowenu, ofakwe i-Ax body spray eningi futhi efake izibuko zelanga zibheke phansi ngemuva kwekhanda lakhe. Kumele ngimnike, ayikhiphe lapha. Umehluko omkhulu kangaka phakathi kwalokhu nomlingiswa wakhe ku Amapaki nezokungcebeleka.

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U-Matthew McConaughey noRenee Zellweger bahlanganyela I-Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Isizukulwane Esilandelayo
Lena enye okungafanele isimangaze, ngoba kwakunuka santungwana ngesikhathi ifilimu ikhishwa okokuqala ngevidiyo. Ngesikhathi kuqoshwa le filimu, abalingisi ababili abangaziwa okuthiwa u-Matthew McConaughey noRenee Zellweger badlala kule filimu, ngeshwa yahlehliswa… kwaze kwaba ngemva kweminyaka embalwa lapho bobabili abalingisi beqala ukubona udumo lwabo no. Isikhathi Sokubulala futhi Jerry Maguire. Ngokushesha le filimu yayilungiselelwa ukukhishwa kabusha lapho ama-agent abadlali (bobabili ababemelwe inkampani eyodwa) besabisa ngokumangalela abenzi bamafilimu, bethi ixhaphaza udumo olusha lwesihlabani sabo. Noma kunjalo, yaphuma futhi akekho owayenendaba. Isho okufunayo ngefilimu, kodwa uMcConaughey ukumodi egcwele ye-bollars futhi kufana nokuthi indoda ikufilimu ehlukile kunawo wonke umuntu.

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UBrad Pitt wangena Amaphupho amabi kaFreddy
Indoda impilo yayo yangasese ihlale ivezwa kumagazini wezindaba ongcolile, wamasonto onke yake yaba inkanyezi esiqeshini se Amaphupho amabi kaFreddy. Isiqephu 14 sesizini yokuqala, esibizwa Amathikithi Amnyama, Umlingiswa kaBrad Pitt u-Rick nentombi yakhe bangabathandi bentsha abashiya i-Springwood. Izitebele zezimoto zabo ukuze bangene ehhotela, kodwa ihhotela liphethwe ama-hicks asabekayo, ngakho-ke, uh-oh, ama-hijinks ensue! Ngokuba esemncane futhi engenakho okuningi ngaphansi kwebhande lakhe ngaleso sikhathi, ukusebenza kwakhe kuhle ngokweqiniso, kodwa hhayi okuhle kakhulu. Lokho kuhlonishwa kuhamba ngendlela asebenza ngayo njengomlingani kaDick uFloyd Ezothando Lwangempela.

Ngiyazi ukuthi kukhona abaningi, abaningi, njengokuqala kukaJohnny Depp I-Nightmare ku-Elm Street isibonelo, kodwa kungase kube kuningi kakhulu ukuthi lolu hlu lungaqukatha. Ngemuva kwakho konke, kufanele siyigcinele i-sequel.